"And not in the fun-happy way"

I ask you to bear with me. This story is going to take some setup.. but I promise you, the payoff is at least funny in a sad and amusing kind of way.

On April 5th, I am on my way to work. It's snowing a bit. That's not unusual in this part of the world at that time of year. I drive my 2002 VW Jetta with appropriate caution.

I come to a stop where I would turn to my workplace. I have my blinker on, my foot is on the brake. Suddenly, *WHAM* and that terrible sound of another car hitting mine. At first I wonder "What the heck" and then realize, oh yes, I've been rear-ended.

And not in the fun-happy way.

The woman gets out of her and while she admits fault instantly, she isn't very apologetic. She speedily says something like "I don't have time for this. Here, I'll write down my info, you can call my husband. He'll take care of this."

She gets in her car to write down her info and I follow her back to make sure that she's not driving away. As I look into the passenger compartment of her car, there's a cell phone, a note pad with all kinds of stuff scribbled on it and the contents of a purse mostly scattered on the passenger seat. A cup of coffee appears to have spilled all over the place.

Distracted driver? Yes. Probably.

I carry on and call her husband. I get an estimate from a local repair shop. I wait five weeks for the car to get scheduled in. It's in.. three days later it's fixed and I picked it up last Friday.

Fantastic.

Skip two days to yesterday, Sunday, May 6th. My friend Greg calls me about 2pm. Let's go get a Dairy Queen blizzard he says. They now offer them in KIT KAT flavor. Fine I say. My roomate hears of this place so now he and his girlfriend are coming too. Ok fine.

I pick them all up. Greg admires the fine bodywork done on my rear bumper. You can barely tell he says. And true enough, other than an odd fitting seam on the passenger side, 'tis a pretty good job indeed.

We have our ice cream and on our way to drop Greg home, we stop at a local outdoor pool/bar/patio to show it to my roomates' girlfriend. We usually hang there during the summer. While leaving this location, I feel the push/nudge/crunch that was so familiar on April 5th.

No.. I say. Not possible I think.

I stop the car and get out to look. Yes it is possible.

"Oh no ***king way. No g***mned f****ng way," I say.

Yes. It is true. Exactly 32 days after being rear-ended before, I have now been rear-ended again; once again, not in the fun-happy way.

The driver of the other vehicle appears to be about 65 or so, very unkempt and has an odd look on his face. He is repositioning his car to drive away. I knock hard on his window and he rolls it down. The first thing I notice is the smell. I can't place it but I presume it's liquor because he is making NO sense when I talk to him.

In the passenger seat, a woman who declares herself to be his daughter is screaming, literally screaming through tears, that he is having a stroke and I quote here, "He ain't right I tell you, he just ain't right.. he's having a stroke.. he's my dad, he's all I got in the world.."

She too has either spilled her coffee all over the dash, or has thrown up all over the dash. I can't quite figure it out.

I am stunned by the scene in front of me. I inform the driver he has just hit me and I am calling the police he would be wise to stop moving his vehicle lest he be charged with leaving the scene of an accident. He ignores this advice.

Meanwhile the daughter continues to scream, "He's having a stroke, we're going to the hospital."

I firmly imply that him driving himself to the hospital while having a stroke is about the baddest idea I have ever heard, while waiting for the 911 people to pick up. I suggest we call the police and an ambulance and let THEM take him to the hospital. He drives off.

Yes. That's right. The "stroke victim" drives off.

I run around to get in my car, just as the manager of the establishment we are leaving gives me his license plate and informs us he has hit at least one other car in the lot before leaving, besides me.

Fantastic.

I follow the drunk/stroke victim. His driving is beyond erratic. He tries to stop for a red-light but manages to merely slow down for it and coasts thru stopping on the far side.

The 911 operator has answered and I indicate that I'm following a man who hit my car and I suspect he is drunk but I give his side of the story for good measure.

I catch up to him at a traffic light and while stopped, the driver of the vehicle behind me runs up to my car and says "I just wanted to let you know that you have no rear brake lights what so ever. " I'm torn between talking to him and the 911 operator. I say, "Yes, I'm aware" -- figuring that the recent accident knocked them out of service.

I stay on with the operator while this car drives to the local mall.

There is no hospital beside the Walmart here in case you're wondering. Altho I'm sure the Walton family is looking into that idea.

Once at the mall, we witness him impact a BMW 328i quite firmly. And then he backs up to park his car and also uses a Chevy pickup as a 'stopper' for his parking.

I am stunned by the scene in front of me. I'm still on with the 911 operator who assures me the cops are nearby. I hear the sirens.

The daughter jumps out of the car and once again, while crying non-stop, proclaims him to be having a stroke.

Whatever. The cops come.. the ambulance comes.

The police tell the daugher if she can't restrain herself and stay out of the way, they will restrain her forcibly. She decides now is a good time to LEAVE and get in a cab to ".. go get her mom."

WHAT????

Whatever. I don't care. I just want this nightmare over.

Finally he man is off to the hospital. The officer comes to us and takes our information and promises to be in touch with the information of the driver of the green Honda Civic. Great.

Fantastic.

I'm out to get lunch today, Monday, and I see a green Honda Civic drive around a corner near me. "No way".

Yes. Way. It's him. That's right. The "stroke victim" in the same car, with the same license plate and the same crazy daugher in the passenger seat. Driving around town.

I knew those clot busting drugs were good, but I didn't think they were THAT good.

I think I have now been ****ed in the not-fun-happy way yet again.

I get the accident report later this afternoon from the police. I call my insurance company. I file my claim. I make arrangements for a rental car and to take my car into the shop.

So I drive my rental Ford Fusion home and pick the mail up from the mailbox.

One envelope catches my eye. It is from Volkswagen of Canada. It says, "IMPORTANT SAFETY RECALL INFORMATION INSIDE."

I open it up.

"Dear customer : Bla bla blah.. inform you of an important safety defect that has been identified in your vehicle. The brake light switch may become inoperable, causing your brake lights to not operate, which may lead to a crash."

Gee.. D'YA THINK? REALLY? HOW ABOUT TWO?????!!

What are we up to? I'm losing count.. I think it's the 4th time in 33 days that I've been f**ked. And not in the fun-happy way yet again.

A Volkswagen Safety Claims Representative is supposed to call me tomorrow. Probably to say, "Gee I hope you're ok."

That will be time # 5. I hope I get 'lube' this time at least.